Anyone who knows me, knows I am deathly afraid of rodents. It’s the tail. I can’t even look at them on television without cringing. Every once in a while, I see one on the subway and I freeze. I am probably the only New Yorker who even notices, let alone is bothered by it. But I am who I am. Until I’m not…
My marriage began to unravel in the middle of the summer. I was dealing with one trial after another through the worst August ever. I went to the beach for a week to try and clear my head and came home feeling even more angry and confused and hopeless.
I woke up the morning after vacation, and got into a huge fight with my ex. Frustrated, I decided to go to my garden to pick whatever came up while I was away. I picked a basket full of zucchini, peppers and gorgeous heirloom tomatoes –grown from seeds I saved from my grandfather. I was so excited to have that garden. That was my place of peace and aside from my children, the only thing right in my world.
Until it went wrong…
As I was exiting the garden, I jumped back. There, stuck in my gate was an enormous BEHEADED rat. It must have tried to climb through the gate and somehow, something took it’s head off, leaving a nasty carcass — tail and all — woven into the fence..
My first reaction…FUCK
My second reaction…FUCK
My third reaction….RAGE Complete and utter RAGE.
This was the closest I have ever come to a total meltdown in my entire life.Something came over me. I was like Bruce Banner in daisy dukes. I was a woman, transformed.
NOT my garden. NO FUCKING WAY!
And in my blind rage, I ran back to the house, left the veggies and returned with high boots, long gloves, a contractor bag and a pair of hedge clippers. (Btw – I really wish I had this on film)
I refused to damage my fence and so I took those clippers and I cut the rat’s spine right in half. Then I cut the tail and the arms right out of the fence. I put the whole thing in a contractor bag, tied the bag, dropped it in my driveway and went back inside for my morning coffee…..totally stunned.
My fourth (much delayed) reaction…WHO THE HELL WAS THAT?
I never thought I would be capable of overcoming such a tremendous fear. Then again, we never know who we really are until we are tested. I sat at my table a while. Quiet, confused and pretty darn amused at myself. Maybe the best way to describe it was, surprised.
A few weeks later, my mother confessed to me that she was in shock when I told her the story, yet it made her feel really good. She said “Every time I worry whether or not you are going to be OK, I remind myself, ‘Hey, she cut a rat. She’ll be fine.”
Yes, I will.