I have been really hung up on the concept of change these past few days. While I entered the New Year with a pretty optimistic attitude, I have definitely found it hard to keep my charge up.
Change is hard. Forced change is harder. The prospect of being a newly single woman is exciting to me. The reality of being a newly single mom with a lot of responsibilites and a long parenting road ahead is completely overwhelming.
I struggled for a while to save my marriage. To try and figure out what the heck was going on and how I could fix it. Until finally, it reached that point — the point where you can’t unhear words or undo actions or ever imagine how you can smooth the jagged edges — the point of no return.
I remember exactly where I was when I first accepted the reality that I was going to divorce. It wasn’t voluntary. Rather, it was an involuntary feeling that overcame me, almost like an out of body experience.
After another afternoon of struggling, pondering, crying, I was walking around the house, straightening up as I usually do, but not being very efficient at all. I was in a daze.
I walked into my home office–my place of solace–just as I do a million times a day. And as I reached the door, a strong wave of sensation suddenly rushed over my body. I felt it in my feet and it traveled upward through my torso, up the back of my neck. It was unmistakable. I didn’t hear the exact words in my head, but it was as if I innately understood why I was having this feeling and what it was telling me: “This is it. You are done.”
That feeling was relief. And it came as a huge surprise.
I paused to acknowledge what was happening. I didn’t fight it or question it. In that quick moment, I just accepted it.
What still amazes me is the way the emotion manifested itself physically.
Have you ever walked while carrying a heavy backpack? The load may have been significant but not unbearable. You walk and walk but don’t complain, just accepting that it is a heavy load. Then when you finally have the chance the wriggle loose from the straps and set that pack down…you feel imminently lighter. You didn’t realize just how heavy the load was until you didn’t have to carry it anymore.
Relief.
Throughout this process I have felt anger and sadness and confusion. Those feelings are heavy. They weigh me down.
Relief picks me up.
It makes me happy and restores my optimism.
I have asked myself many times: Why relief? Of all emotions. Why?
And though I don’t know for sure, I am thankful. It has fueled me forward ever since.