Last night I took my girl scout troop — 11 girls and 11 moms — on a retreat to a waterpark/resort in the Poconos. The day was jam packed with activities and by the time I got back to the room, it was past 10pm and I was more than ready for bed. Even as my body was melting into my pillow, it took another hour or so until my brain finally got the exhaustion memo and allowed me to fall asleep. That sweet rest lasted in until 2am when I was jolted awake by a phone call from my alarm company: the smoke alarm back home was triggered, and the fire department was dispatched to my house. It was a frantic 5-7 minutes until I learned that it was actually a false alarm and all was OK: No smoke. No CO2. But also NO SLEEP for me (and my poor father who immediately drove to my house when he got the call — the man is a saint!)
After all of the excitement, my brain was on hyper speed. There was no way I was going back to sleep. I replayed the situation in my head and realized that I was wrestling with a new type of anxiety: alarm – and yes, pun not-so-much-but-kind-of-really intended in this instance.
When I got the call, I wasn’t worried about the kids (my daughter was with me, and my son and my pup were both at my parents’ house). Also, I wasn’t worried about my house — that is material. What bothered me was the thought that it could have happened when I was actually home — just me and my kids. Having been away from it all, I felt like a dodged a bullet.
Typically, when the kids and I go to bed at night, I put the alarm on in the house and feel as though we are totally secure. I am not sure what I would actually do in the event of a real middle-of-the-night emergency. Honestly, with all of my other distractions as of late, I never really gave it much thought. But last night — I agonized over every negative scenario… The kids’ rooms are pretty far away from my own… In the event of a fire, would I be able to react quickly enough to get them out safely? What if it weren’t a fire but an intruder? What then?
These gremlins have always crept into my head at night every once in a while, but last night as I tossed and turned and tried to salvage my sleep, they seemed very real and very vexing. It scared me so much: When the children are in my care, I am their protector. It is a very natural role for a mom. And when I had a partner in the house, I was sharing the role of protector and felt confident knowing that someone had my back. Now, the reality is: there is no other adult in the house looking out for me and the kids. It is just me. The thought weighed heavily: It is just me.
This feeling of alarm is another hurdle; a new challenge — one that in my head, I knew existed, but did not really feel until it came calling at 2am.
Am I up to the challenge? Can I be FEARLESS? Do I even have a choice in the matter?
I guess my only option is to swallow hard, face whatever comes my way and trust my instincts to protect the most important people in my world…
Geronimo?