This might be stating the obvious, but divorce is a dark, dark experience. When everything began to unravel, I felt trapped in my home, surrounded by photos and memories and a sense of falsity surrounding the life I thought I had. Burdened with keeping my emotions hidden from family and friends while trying to figure out what the hell was going on, I didn’t want to tell anyone until I was sure that it was over. I was protecting my inner circle and trying to preserve what I could, until I just couldn’t hold it together anymore.
I woke up every morning to a brief moment of confusion, until I was reminded that, oh yeah, life sucks right now. Why are my eyes totally swollen? Oh right, I cried myself to sleep again. I spent countless nights in a state of helplessness. Not knowing what to tell the kids, I distracted them. We watched the entire series of Harry Potter movies for weeks, all cuddled up together in my bed. It was the only way I could keep them from noticing that something was amiss and bide myself time to figure out the next move.
And all the while I was questioning everything about myself — my behaviors, my judgement, even my looks. I felt small and useless, and frankly, cast aside. I felt like no one would ever want me.
It was awful. I was angry and hurt and lost.
On the night of my 10th wedding anniversary, my girlfriends took me out for what I thought would be a low key drink or two. We had just started divorce mediation the day prior, and I needed to drown my sorrows …
As I was heading out the door, I checked my phone and saw an article about September 30th being the night of the Black Moon (defined as the 3rd New Moon to occur in the span of a month). It’s a rare event and it signifies a time to clear out all of the bad in your life and welcome positive change. That message was not lost on me, but I was also so rushed to get out the door, that I did little more than glance at the article and run out to the car…
I will never forget that night.
My friends and I went to a local bar. We were drinking and laughing. We were so totally absorbed in ourselves, that I barely noticed the moment he walked into the bar. I saw him in my sideview, and then, I caught him staring at me. Black hair, deep brown eyes, amazing body. I looked at him and smiled. He had that kind of presence that makes you instantly exhale…my GOD.
I caught my breath and I turned back to my friends…
As it happens, that breathless moment changed everything. While I was on my way back from the ladies room, he introduced himself. We ended up talking the whole night. He was 9 years younger and lived across the country. We had so much in common and yet our lives were so different. We established quickly that we had no chance at anything but the conversation between us at that moment. He was a total stranger, and yet I felt like I had known him my whole life.
I shared the details of my divorce and he revealed that he was in the middle of a complicated relationship. (she wanted a ring). There were the two of us — standing at opposite ends of the same street. Me on the one side witnessing my marriage collapse. He on the other, dreading to take the plunge. Both, paralyzed by fear.
I tried to tell him that is OK to get married, not to be afraid of it. But then again, he is so young and clearly holding back. He’ll make that decision in his own time.
After we left the bar, I thought I’d never hear from him again. He was flying back home the next day. I didn’t realize that when I was showing him pics at the bar, he sneakily programmed his # into my phone (millennials!). And then he texted me the moment I got home. We ended up staying in touch after that. His friendship changed everything for me. Suddenly, on the nights that I was feeling helpless, I had him. He had no preconceived notions of my life, just had sweet things to say to me, about me. He was a bright spot, a positive. He asked me about my day, my career, my kids. Wanting to know. Wanting to connect. He lifted my spirits.
My ex would come home at night angst-ridden and normally I would be an emotional wreck. Now, I watched him talking at me, all the while being utterly distracted by my buzzing phone. Hidden below the pillow, the texts from my new friend gave me strength and confidence. It gave me a jolt of excitement and the freedom to exhale. Somehow, he always knew to reach out the very moment I needed him most. His timing was perfection. I believe it was divine intervention.
At first, I thought it would never last more than a week or two, but almost a year later we still chat from time to time. And although our lives are totally different, and nothing can ever come of us, our friendship is unique and I cherish it. After meeting him, I immediately felt less sad; he helped me feel more stoic. He made me smile at a time when I found that to be a very difficult thing to do.
When I think of him, I smile. When I hear from him now, I smile wider.
I never told him that the night we met was the most significant New Moon of the year — the Black Moon. That event certainly introduced a new positive into my life. Sometimes I quietly thank the universe for sending him to me just when I needed him most. Even now, he still sends me a sweet text once in a while to make sure I have not forgotten him.
But I never could…
Because whenever he does reach out … and I feel that distinctive buzz coming in on my phone, it just so happens to be the night of a New Moon….
and I am humbled and reminded that the path ahead is indeed a well- lit, maybe by the moon? but most certainly by something greater and wiser than I.