I am a thinker; an analyzer. I often get lost in my own world; picking my thoughts apart and trying to make sense of my life and what I want out of it. It’s a flawed process because ultimately, we have no control over what happens in our lives. So maybe I am a fool, destined to be disappointed by things that are out of my control.
But I love the process of thinking it all through….
I started this blog as a way to challenge myself on many levels — an opportunity for self-discovery, reflection, and most significantly, vulnerability. All of my life, I have been guarded with myself and my emotions. I cared for others, empathized, but shared very little about my true feelings with the outside world.
Few people knew the real me, and I liked it that way. Without knowing it, I was protecting myself from emotional connection and the risk of injury. But in doing so, I kept the most dynamic, funny and connective parts of myself hidden. In short, I never really let love in because of my own fear of opening up.
I built those walls over 37 years. It took divorce for me to finally acknowledge them and tear them down. These days, I am an open book. I have friends who want to discuss my situation and compare mine to something they may be going through. The old me would have revealed very little. The new me, shares it all. It is a challenge, but if my experiences can help the people I care about, then that is a win. Even if being open makes me feel exposed, ultimately I think I grow more through the exposure… In fact, lately, I find the exposure to be empowering.
I used to believe that by giving away very little information about myself, I was giving people nothing; no material with which to judge me.
Now, I give the world everything. I risk getting hurt or experiencing the discomfort of being “out there,” but it feels more honest; more sincere and a lot easier each night to close my eyes knowing that my heart is open.